wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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