i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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