I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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