Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
