Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
He felt like a one man threesome
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize