my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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