YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
