I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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