Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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