Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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