I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
