Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
