My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
