I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
