I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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