i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize