dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
