I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize