thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
