Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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