Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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