She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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