3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
