we made out on top of his cat.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
