Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
