I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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