Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
