wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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