I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
