I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
