I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize