I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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