i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
