just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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