i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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