the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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