I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Your dad touched me again.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
