remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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