you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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