**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Randomize
