I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
