I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
