my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
