I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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