I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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