i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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