The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
