He disabled his match.com account in front of me
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
