I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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