I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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