just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
