He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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