I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
