my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Just pee around me
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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