a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
