I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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