I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Why did my mother make you get naked?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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