Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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