He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
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