Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
