WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
