He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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