Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize